Running Wild

The Art of Silence

2011-07-23T21:45:00.000-04:00

My grandpa is the master of speaking without words. I have yet to find out how he manages it. Sometimes I just visit with him and we sit together watching Matlock to discern how he does it. This man hardly speaks a word and yet if you asked anyone connected to him, they would express deep affection for him. He is the most respected man I know and yet at family gatherings he hardly says a word.

The first time I realized this was Christmas 2006. I had to work that Christmas and when I arrived at my aunt's house I played with my nieces on the floor. As I was sitting there, I looked up and there in the corner sat my grandpa. It just astonished me in that moment how quiet he was. Everyone in my family reveres this man who sits with his hands on his cane without speaking. He sits and basks in the blessings God has given him.

Even when he speaks it's not about what he says. One of the few things you can get my grandpa talking about is my grandma. She was a fiesty woman of Scottish backgroud whose swearing could put a salor to shame. He talks about how they'd go dancing or how she'd cuss while baking and he lights up. The significance isn't in the stories or the words themselves, it's his tone of voice, the look in his eyes, and how he laughs as he talks about her. It's absolutely beautiful to see. I ask him about her quite often. I know most of the stories by now, but the thing that I love is how he speaks of her, his profound love for a woman who has passed on years ago and how he speaks of it without really speaking.

Silence is not my skill. My gift is with words. I love to write or talk with words to play with my ideas. I still try to learn my Pa's craft though. We sit watching Matlock together and I learn how to love my Pa with silence.

"Be silent, and know that I am God! I will be honored by every nation. I will be honored throughout the world." Psalm 46:10, NLT

Creative Laryngitis

2011-03-28T11:27:00.000-04:00

I feel like somewhere, nested deep in my soul, is a book. I'm not exactly sure the topic or genre, but I feel that somewhere in me there is a book to be written. Some days I reach down into the deep & I can almost grasp it, but it slips out of my fingers. Other days I go to look for it & it seems to be gone. Yet I always feel it there, I have for years. It's incredibly frustrating, to know something exists within you that seems out of your grasp.

Perhaps I am just not ready for it yet. Maybe there is some knowledge that I lack or an experience I have yet to live through that will finally allow me to bring it forth. All I know is that at this point in my life I try to sit at a computer and the blinking cursor taunts me, challenging me to bring this thing forth. Up to this point in my life the cursor has always won. I sit at my computer amidst my whirlwind of thoughts and nothing comes of it.

It's almost like I am gagged. Sometimes, when I do have words, my voice is lacking. I go to speak that which is in my mind & nothing comes out. My tongue will not move & the words die in my throat. Perhaps it is that I have yet to find my voice. The worst is when I have a thought, follow it and then it drops off suddenly. It's those times that I had something to say, started to write about it, and then it seems to fly away. Almost as bad are those times when I write and my words go off course until I'm in a totally different direction and the centerpiece of what I really wanted to say is lost.

For now I will continue on this path, playing with my different metaphors and illustrations. (Indeed, they are my favourite toys!) Maybe one day I will finally stumble on that which is inside of me.

Life Upside Down

2011-03-23T14:59:00.000-04:00

The other day I did something that I haven't done in years! I laid on the couch with my legs in the air and let my head hang over the edge so that when I looked around, everything seemed upside down. The dining room chandelier poked from the ground and Waldo played with his kong on the ceiling. After a while, Waldo just started looking at me while I was watching him sit on the ceiling. Then I looked out the window at the upside down tree & laughed. Quite a silly thing to do.

Sometimes life seems a little like that when you think about it. I notice it a lot now that I'm going to be graduating soon. People ask me what I'm going to do after school & where I'm going to work. We have a tendancy to talk about ourselves in reference to our work. To me it seems like such an obsurd idea. We talk about work like it's one of the central things that define us, meanwhile I've never heard of anyone on thier deathbed saying, "You know, I spent too much time with my family, I wish I would have worked more."

What does work lead to? It leads to money which generally leads to stuff, which eventually wears out & breaks. (Side note: I'm not in anyway denying the fact that money can be used to help people, I'm just making a general statement.) So if we define ourselves by our work, then in an extension we can define ourselves by our stuff. Look in the media, especially advertizing. The emphasis is mostly on stuff, specifically getting bigger and/or better stuff.

When stuff breaks, it eventually ends up in a landfill. Sometimes society does that to broken people too. Society can just push them away & I think it's sad. Material things eventually break down & lose their meaning, but it doesn't have to be that way with people. In a way, people are simple to fix. When it boils down to it, when you show someone love or kindness they regain a bit of what was lost. I'm not saying it's that quick, it happens over time. But what if we all shifted our focus from work & stuff to caring for people? What a world that would be...

Practice Makes Perfect

2011-02-03T22:43:00.001-05:00

I have a ten and a half month old kitten. His name is Waldo. Half the time I call him Booger, because he always has sleep in his eyes. He is a long haired tuxedo cat with a black nose with black dots on either side which makes him look like he has a mustache. He also has a puffy squirrel tail, which he proudly holds strait up in the air as he walks. He claims anything he can get his paws on & carries his trophies to the upstairs bathroom where he generally chews them to death. He can be incredibly sweet & funny, but he is also Mr. Mischief. He is also a great teacher. Every day Waldo helps me learn how to love.

Forget all the feel-good moments & all the weddings you've heard this passage read & really take a look at it.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.- 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (NIV)

Love is not some gushy, warm fuzzy feeling. Love is an action, a choice. Look at the words & the concepts here. Patience, kindness, being humble, forgiveness, selflessness, endurance. Sacrifice. Love is sacrifice. These are not things that appear out of thin air, nor are they things that can be passively learned. These are all skills that must be practiced. Having Waldo in my life is practice for other things. Waldo is the thing in my life that I sacrifice for every day. I'm single, I don't have children or a family of my own or aging parents to care for that rely on me day to day. Yes, I'm there for my friends when they need me. Yes, I love my family & help out in any way I can. However, for the most part I have no one who I am accountable to or responsible for on a day to day basis. If I want to, I can do what I want whenever I want & my money is mine to do with what I please. But this is not what I want.

I want to practice selflessness because one day I will have people who I will be directly responsible for & I want to practice loving now so I can love them better. Because of this I choose to love Waldo. I choose to spend my money giving him good food, a safe home, & excellent veterinary care instead of buying the new pair of heels that I most desperately want. I choose to love him when he kills my favorite bikini & chews my gold hoops into an unrecognizable crinkled mess. But I also have rewards. He greets me every day when I come home & makes me laugh when we play catch. Waldo teaches me that even though love has sacrifice it also has rewards. One day I will have children. I will wake up in the middle of the night to tend to them & they will probably accidentally brake some object that means the world to me. I will sacrifice my time, money, & in some cases my treasures for them but I will receive the joy of being in their lives. They will teach me to laugh in a new way & smile bigger than ever before. And when these things come to pass I will thank God that he used a mischievous little kitten to help my practice the skills involved in love to pave the way.

Waldo getting into something he shouldn't

Relaxing on his favorite spot on the couch

I think I have a book crush on Antoine...

2011-01-06T13:52:00.000-05:00

There was a flaw in my logic when I started out today. I have a dentist appointment today & instead of driving across town twice, I decided to eat lunch at Green Bean & read for a few hours before my appointment. It makes sense, except I'm reading "Wind, Sand, and Stars" by Antoine de Saint-Exupery. It's one of those books that you can't just sit down & read for the afternoon. Saint-Exupery has this magical way of writing where he tells one story and makes this unexpected point or observation about humanity in such a way that it's almost blinding every time. You can't just read such a book continuously, it must be taken in chunks. Every time I read a bit of his works, I have to think on it. It's the most amazing sensation, reading something by him, because it fills you with such awe and all these thoughts and you get stuck on them to the point of stillness. Yes, I am swimming in all these thoughts and yet I feel perfectly still.

If I had a magical time machine & could speak french, I would jump back in time in a heart beat to speak to Antoine de Saint-Exupery. I would gladly sit in a cafe in France with him and talk about anything. I have a feeling that to just talk about the weather with him would turn into an extraordinary conversation. That's the thing I love about books, they're like a crystallized moment in time. Even though I cannot have coffee with my favorite author, I can read his books and have a small look into his world. You can get to know some authors through their works and feel like they are old friends. Sometimes, in some strange way, I feel that those who would understand me the most are these authors who have left this world long ago. There are days where I walk around this life feeling just slightly out of place, however I have never seen this as a bad thing. I prefer to live in my world of wonder, where ideas are my play things & everything is lit with imagination.

Value vs Worth

2010-12-27T00:23:00.001-05:00

I think it's really funny the way we put value & worth on things. The greater the monetary value of something is, the greater it's worth. To me, the idea that things have worth based on money is so backwards. I think that monetary value isn't necessarily congruent with worth. In fact, I'd argue that monetary value has nothing to do with worth.

One of my most prized possessions is my copy of The Little Prince. According to Amazon, my prized possession is worth $9.90. One of the most important things I own has very little monetary value, and yet if my house were on fire & I had the opportunity to grab a handful of things before running out the door, this would be one of the first things I went for. Why? Because it's the story behind the book that makes it so important to me. My brother, who I'm very close to, gave it to me for my 18th birthday because it was a book that he loved. That's where the value comes from, that's why it's so important to me. All the things that I own that are of great worth to me have a story behind them, and in the center of the stories are the people that I love.

In the end all real worth circles back to people. Relationships with those around us are what makes us human, what makes the world beautiful. If you take people out of the equation, the world loses its' colour. Without the fact that my brother gave me The Little Prince, it's just another good book. If you look at things based on their price tag, then things are cold. However, if you look at objects & see those you love, they light up & take on a life of their own.

"Happiness! It is useless to seek it elsewhere than in this warmth of human relations." -Antoine de Saint Exupéry

The Theology of Superheros

2010-11-23T15:04:00.001-05:00

Anyone who knows me knows that I love superheros. Comics, movies, television. While all the other little girls were watching Care Bears, I was watching Batman: The Animated Series & X-Men. Obviously I'm not alone. For all these larger than life characters to exist, there has to be a market for them. There has to be a craving for these larger than life characters with complex back stories that swoop in & save the day. The question is, why? Why are we so fascinated with these characters with these super human abilities & a deeply instilled sense of justice? Is it a desire for adventurous fiction or is it a deep craving of the human soul?

I think we all wish to be saved. We all wish for some mysterious person to swoop in & save the day. We want someone to care even though they don't have to. And all these properties aren't enough, they have to have a human quality to them. It's not enough that Superman is almost invincible or for Batman to go into the dark places of Gotham to save its' citizens from the slime of the city. All these superheros have a human aspect in them. Clark Kent struggled with developing an identity & sense of self in his adopted home planet, Bruce Wayne struggles with the horror of losing his parents at a young age. Clearly it's not enough that we have a saviour, that saviour has someone who has faced the hardships of life that we can identify with.

The thing that some people don't recognize though is that we've already been saved. Jesus was fully God & fully human & that sounds pretty superhero-esque to me. Take a look at the gospels, they read like a comic book except they're not fiction! Jesus is born to a virgin, lived through the struggles of life (with no sin), was betrayed by someone close to him, murdered, & rose from the dead. He did it all to save us because God couldn't stand the thought of us being dragged down by sin, helpless to get out by ourselves. That sounds like a superhero to me, except this wasn't written by Stan Lee! It's actual history! And this whole saving thing isn't a one time deal. Jesus still works though those who follow him, the members of the church & promised to come back again.

And now some of you probably think I live in a comic book. Well, my faith is my reality. I see the difference God has made in my life & in the lives of others I know. Maybe not everyone agrees with me, but can you explain why I have such joy & happiness in my life? One of my friends calls me "Little Miss Sunshine on uppers." This joy isn't natural, it's a mark on my life left by the devine.

What to do when your life is a barf bag

2010-11-15T13:09:00.000-05:00

So what exactly is the protocol when life uses you as its' own personal barf bag? See, I was minding my own business, walking along in my life, singing "tra-la-la-la-la" & then life just decided to up chuck on me. Now I'm covered in yucky vomit chunks & reek of that oh-so-unpleasant aroma of bile. Wonderful, isn't it? So what do you do when life throws up on you & you're stuck without a change of clothes? To be honest, I'm not really all that sure. What I can tell you is that right now I'm living in Psalm 23. I'm simply trusting that God will get me through this dark valley of death & I'm looking forward to those green meadows. I'm profusely blessed with many people who are incredibly supportive & I'm extremely thankful for them.

I also take my joy where I can. Last night I fell asleep with Waldo (my 8 month old kitten) right by my head & this morning we had some time to ourselves. I think Waldo is an example of God providing me my needs before I know I need them. In this time of strain where I've been transported to this strange land where my life doesn't make sense anymore, I have Waldo to make me smile. In a way he helps remind me who I am, that I am a person who can find joy & laughter in strange places.

So that is my story & where I am at. If you are reading this, then I hope that life hasn't thrown up on you too, because it's not the most pleasant experience. I think I'd rather be anywhere but where I am now. But if you are in the midst of an experience that makes you feel like you too are a barf bag, then find comfort that you are not alone. Life is wonderful & beautiful, but sometimes we just get barfed on & there is always hope to get through it!

On the Great Walk of Life

2010-11-02T13:30:00.000-04:00

"What saves a man is to take a step. Then another step. It is always the same step, but you have to take it."-Antoine De Saint-Exupery, from "Wind, Sand, and Stars"

I absolutely love that quote & the story behind it. See, Antione was a pilot & one of his friends crashed in the mountains. So, for the sake of his family, he got up out the wreck of his plane & began to walk. He walked so that should he die, they'd be able to find his body & his wife wouldn't have to wait 5 years to get the insurance money. If he had stopped he would have frozen to death. By a miracle he was found & brought back to the base. When Antione talked to him, his friend told him how he had to push himself forward because he knew if he stopped he'd freeze to death.

I find that's all I can do sometimes, is walk. When things are rough & it's hard to find the joy in my life I just continue walking because it's what has to be done. There are days that my life is hard & I propel myself forward because if I stopped to sit, I'd let my stress/anxiety/sadness/etc freeze part of my soul. I know in those times that eventually I will look & see how many steps I've taken & how far I've come. So those days where it is hard to walk I celebrate every step, even though I may be stuck in a blizzard & can't see where I'm going. And in those times I am incredibly thankful for those who walk beside me.

The Piggy Bank of Eternity

2010-10-21T11:15:00.000-04:00

I have a piggy bank. I think my sister got it for me when I was like 12. It's pretty big as far as piggy banks go & it's hand painted. I fill it with any change I have in my wallet & any change I find on the ground. (I love finding change on the groud, it makes me happy!) The one thing about it is that it doesn't have a whole or a cork in the bottom, so I have no idea how much money is in there. I know there's a lot of chage in there, I think I weighed it once & it was over 10 pounds. The point is that I don't know how much is in there & the only way to find out is to take a hammer to it when it's full.

I think that's a little like life. I think we have our own little piggy bank of sorts, except instead of filling it with pennies & dimes we fill it with love for others. I think that's where the true value in life is, in valuing & loving others. I think we won't know the true value of the things we've done or the impact we have on others until we get to heaven. I think it's then that we'll fully be able to find out the impact we've had on others. I think it'll be cool to get to heaven & discover that maybe something small like a smile or a kind word made someone's day & I never even knew about it.

I think it's really important to love others. I think we're so used to just going about our every day lives that we forget how special & unique we all are. So I think that by loving others, it helps to remind them that they are special. I remember one day I came home from school & walked in the door & my dad asked who was there. He was very offended at my response, which was, "Oh, it's just me." He told me never to refer to myself as "just me" ever again, because he loved me & wanted me to remember I was special. I've always held on to that memory & now it actually offends me when people leave messages on my phone saying, "Hi Kelly, it's just ________. Call me back later," or anything along those lines. So I go about my life trying to love others to the best of my ability, because it's the people in my life that matter the most & it's incresibly important to me that they remember thier uniqueness. We spend so much time being critical of ourselves & others that we can forget that our relationships are the most important things that we have. Things can get stolen, houses burn down or get demolished, but our love for others can always remain. That's where true happiness is.

"Happiness! It is useless to seek it elsewhere than in this warmth of human relations." -Antoine de Saint Exupéry

Children, Inhibition, and Things Unlearned

2010-10-17T23:27:00.000-04:00

Of all the roles I play in my day to day life (sister, friend, daughter, student, etc), my favuorite one has to be my role as an aunt. I have three nieces & a nephew & they light up my life. There are times that I've been in a bad mood or angry & as I thought of them I could feel all that negativity drain out of me, being replaced by joy. I count it as a great privilege to have them in my life. I love being involved in their lives, but mostly it's not that I have an influence over them, but they have an influence over me.

I think it's amazing how we think we get smarter as we grow up. In many ways we do, but there's a cost. There are things we forget. My nieces & nephew have a gift that I envy & that's the ability to love uninhibited. Have you ever been loved by a child? It's completely amazing the way that they can love. Children have the power to love regardless of race or gender or social status. To them a friend is just a friend no matter what. All you really have to do is engage with a child and they shower you with this joyous love that can't be matched by anyone over the age of 7. All you have to do is meet them where they're at & they'll love you for it. I remember once I was having dinner at my sister's when James was still in his high chair & we were playing a game. He'd lean his head one way & I would follow suit. Then he'd move his head the other way & again, I would follow his lead. And he would erupt with this joyous laugh. He loved me for simply tilting my head in this simple game. I remember thinking it was amazing how we bonded over this simple thing.

It's like we lose this ability to love over time. I'm not sure if we simply forget as we grow older or if we lose it somehow. Perhaps as we grow up we're told by society that we should be more stern or perhaps over time we build up our hurts & close ourselves off over time, maybe both. In the end we lose this wisdom we had when we were young. I think I remember when it happened with me. When I was young I used to hug everyone & one day someone asked me why I did that. And that day I got the idea in my head that I should grow up a little & stop hugging everyone. I think that's the day I forgot how to love uninhibited.

I'm slowly starting to remember, and the children in my life are helping me. Having them in my life has profoundly increased my ability to love others. When there's a child in your life & you help care for them & play with them you discover a little bit of that joy which you had forgotten. Children take your heart & your ability to love and stretch it until you think it'll snap. And then you discover that it doesn't, that there's more love in your heart than you ever knew. And now that I remember these things I want to protect it in them. I want my nieces & nephew to never forget how to love like they love now. I wish to stand between them & all the hurts of the world. I know I can't, they must grow up eventually. Ever time I see them they've changed. But I hope & pray that they have the strength to remember how to love like a child.

Randomness of the Adventure that is my Life

2010-10-14T11:43:00.000-04:00

Today, for whatever reason, I woke up in an extremely good mood. Today I feel thankful for everything in my life. I am so blesssed to have so many people in my life who care about me. Sometimes we can get so caught up & busy that we forget that there are all these wonderful people in our lives. Yesturday I dropped some shortbread off at my Pa's house & visited with him for a while. While he's not big on conversation, he's great company. And on the way home it really hit me how fortunate I am. I was driving home thinking, "Who am I to be so blessed?"

And I think part of this is the joy of the journey to get back to who I am. I think I let myself forget a little along the way. I'm not sure when it happened, but now it's just so much fun letting myself shine through now. I think life can be a great adventure, especially when you don't know where you're going. I'm not saying that I don't have any drive for my life, but I don't exactly know where I'll be in 5 years other than in a place that's different from where I am now. I'm just going forward & that's ok.

Actually, I'd say that's pretty awesome. See, I love suprises & I can't wait to be suprised as to where I'll go next. I feel a little like I'm stuck in this amazing book & I can't wait to see what's on the next page or chapter. So again I am learnig to be me. In some ways I'm pushing myself to be more me than I ever was before.

I think life can be one big collection of suprises if you let it. If you let yourself be suprised by the little things that happen every day you'll discover it's a lot of fun. For me that means appriciating the small things. Like today I found a dime on the floor. Yes, I know it's only ten cents, but I love putting change I find in this piggy bank at home. It's all kind of childish, but it's fun & I love it. If you let it, finding a dime on the ground can be like finding a treasure that everyone else overlooked. I think life would be so much more fun if we'd all look at it fresh & new like children do. I think we let ourselves forget how somewhere along the way, but I'm trying to remember.

"Grown-ups never understand anything for themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them."- Antione de Saint-Exupery

Living with Joy

2010-10-12T12:03:00.000-04:00

Lately I'm thinking of how I would define myself & have other people see me. It's an interesting concept to think of. I think if I were to define myself with one word it would be joy. Yes, I will always choose joy. Given the choice I will always laugh & smile. That's not to say that I don't experience sadness or pain or that I ignore those feelings. I just think that it takes strength to not recoile away from the world & new expereinces while you're going through tough times. I think it takes strength to look beyond your pain & see the wonder & beauty in your life.

Consequently, I don't believe in bad days. There is no day that is so completely aweful as to be labelled a bad day. There is value & joy in every day if you choose to look for it. And we always have that choice. Don't get me wrong, I don't live my life with rose coloured glasses on. Sometimes life can suck but that doesn't mean I can't be joyous. Also, I find the more you choose joy the easier it becomes, to the point where it's almost second nature. Not only that, but if you choose joy, it becomes infectious. You can infect others with joy & love. And to me, the harder it is to find joy in your life, the more rewarding it is when you do. With me a great part of this is my faith. My faith gives me the strength to choose joy.

Not to mention that it is just so much fun to choose joy. It is so entertaining to watch people's reaction to you when they think you should be in a sad place & you're smiling. I will not let myself be labelled by hardships or difficulties in my life. I always try to let my true self shine through. I always choose joy.